My Dearest Sarah
by HATBC
Summary: All I can say is, this probably isn't what you are expecting. To avoid giving it "away" the summary is on the inside.


**My Dearest Sarah**

Summary: The years have come and gone since you left this world, but that doesn't mean Daddy and I miss you any less. Harriet writes a letter to her precious baby Sarah. If you're like me, a tissue warning might be needed. This deals with the sensitive subject matter of a child's birth/death.

Rating: K+, I guess. I don't really know.

Disclaimer: No, they aren't mine either. I would have changed a few things if I was in charge. I only own the typos. I typed this super fast, so as always, I know there will be some errors.

This one is for a number of people in my life. You know who you are! I'm sending lots of hugs and love your way!

This is very different from what I usually write. I've taken a number of author's liberties, so I hope that isn't a bother. And yes, it's a letter…there isn't any plot or anything really. Also, I made a video a few years ago that can very well tie into this story. It's on YouTube. Look up "Baby Sarah" by HATBC if you are interested.

_Tiny Footprints on a Mother's Heart_

When a baby arrives,  
be it for a day, a month, a year or more,  
or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment-  
the fragile spark of a tender soul  
the secret swell of a new pregnancy  
the goldfish flutter known to only you-  
you are unmistakeningly changed...  
the tiny footprints left behind on your heart  
bespeak your name as Mother.

My dearest Sarah,

The years have come and gone since you left this world, but that doesn't mean Daddy and I miss you any less. I think about you all the time, those nine months I got to spend with you in my tummy, and those few minutes you spent in this world – they were not enough. You were in our arms for only a minute, but you will forever be in our harts.

On occasion, I still go to grief counseling meetings, and I guess they help. Actually, that's where I got the idea to write this letter. They said it's a good way to release some of those bottled up emotions. At first, I thought it was silly, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew I had to do it.

So, honey, where should I start? I guess I should fill you in on your family. Your older brother, AJ, is six years old now, Jimmy is four, and the twins, Nikki and Nathan, aren't even one year old, yet. So, as you can tell things have been very busy here. When I see your brothers and sister playing, I sometimes can picture you there, too. I see you with your Daddy's nose and eyes, and a head full of curly blond hair, but it hurts me to know I will never exactly know what you look like.

Speaking of your Daddy, he's a hero, you know. A true American hero. A few years ago, when he was overseas, he lost his leg while he was trying rescue a little boy. It was a tragic experience that shook me to the core….losing you can then coming "this" close to losing your father, too…it's just a terrible feeling that no one should have to experience. I wouldn't even wish it on my greatest enemy. Thank God, though, that your dad is okay, now. The prosthesis they gave him is working well and doing its job. It's working so good that he was allowed to remain in the Navy. He even got promoted to Lieutenant Commander! We're really proud of him! I know you are, too!

I recently left the Navy. I chose to resign when I was pregnant with Nathan and Nikki. I loved serving my country, and working at JAG, but it was time for me to end that chapter of my life so I could focus on being the best mommy and wife I can be. There are times, however, that I think I'm going to go crazy being in the house all day and I really miss JAG, but I wouldn't trade staying home for the world. Especially now since a lot of things have changed over there at JAG. The Admiral (you would have liked him) retired. He was a very great man and was always there when he needed him. Also, Captain Rabb and Colonel MacKenzie have left, too.

Now, you probably know them as your Aunt Mac and Uncle Harm, your Godparents. They are two fantastic people, and I am so lucky and honored to call them my friends. Not too long ago, both of them were getting transferred far away from DC. Aunt Mac got orders San Diego and Uncle Harm got orders to go to London. Being transferred made them realize just how much they loved each other, and how they couldn't be apart from one another. So, guess what! They got engaged! Although, that met that one of them had to resign their commission. So, your dad brought the JAG coin and they flipped for it. It turns out that Uncle Harm won and they moved to London. I wish them the same kind of love and happiness your dad and I have.

I was sad to see them go, but I am so happy for them. I've always known they loved each other, and for them to finally realize it --- It was just a great thing to witness. You, Sarah, were actually named after your Aunt Mac. Yes, that's right. Her name is Sarah MacKenzie (Rabb, now). She is a very strong, determined woman, and Daddy and I wanted you to be like her. Even though she never got to meet you, she loves you very, very much. Uncle Harm does, too. He is another wonderful man. After you died, Daddy and I had a hard time communicating. I didn't real know how I felt, I was scared and confused and your Uncle Harm helped me sort through all my emotions. If I wanted to cry, he let me cry. If I wanted to yell, he let me yell. And for that, I will be ever grateful.

And here's a little fact, did you know that you were the FOURTH "Sarah" in Uncle Harm's life? Yes, it's true! Crazy, huh? The Captain's grandmother's name is 'Sarah', his plane is named 'Sarah', Aunt Mac's name is 'Sarah', and then YOU! That's a lot of Sarah's! I know that the very first time Uncle Harm would have met you, you would have had him completely wrapped around your little finger. All the Sarah's do!

Well, now that I have filled you in on all the changes, I can write about it felt like to lose you. It was painful, so very painful. It was so hard coming home from the hospital without you. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I would find myself wandering in the nursery to check on you, only you wouldn't be there. There was an empty crib…no baby. I'd stare at your closet full of clothes, and think about how I would never be able to see you wear them. I would look at the beautiful blanket that Grandma (my mom) knitted for you sitting on the rocking chair, and burst into tears knowing that you would never be able to use it. Instead of seeing your picture or a family picture hanging in the nursery, I would see your tiny footprints that the nurses made for us. It was….heartbreaking.

I'd go to the store and see moms with their tiny babies and literally ache to hold you in my arms, shower you with kisses, and tell you how much I love you. When I would hear other babies cry, I would cry to. It was a reminder of how I never got to hear you cry, how I would never be able to hear you say your first words or take or first steps. Other times, my mind would travel miles down the road and I would think about how I wouldn't be able to see you go on your first date, your prom, get married or have a baby of your own.

Sometimes, I would get angry. I would wonder what I did wrong. Was there something I did that caused us to lose you? Should I have been more careful? Was it my fault? What did I ever do to deserve this cruel and unusual punishment? It wasn't fair. Why is it that the people who want children so much go through so much heartache, but the people who don't want children have "oops babies"? Why did God want you to go home with him instead of you coming home with me, Daddy, and AJ?

On the day that would have been your first birthday, Daddy bought me a present. It was the most beautiful bracelet I have ever seen. It's a gold chain with a gold charm. The charm is a heart with your birthstone on it, and on the front has a set of footprints and on the back has your name. It's so amazing. I still wear it all the time and I ALWAYS think of you when I put it on in the morning.

That strong, raw pain that I felt in the first few months of your death has lessened over the years, but it's been replaced with numbness, a sense of longing. Some people say "time will heal you", but I don't believe that. Time has given me the strength to be able to carry on, but I will always be afflicted with the pain and sorrow and grief of living without you.

Some people dream of angels, yet I got to hold one. You are my precious angel, Sarah. You've gotten your wings and are flying in the clear blue skies. I know you are watching over us from your spot in Heaven. I often wonder what Heaven is like. Do age in Heaven? Or do you always stay the same? Can you play? Do you have friends? When AJ would ask where his baby sister was, I would point to the clouds in the sky and say "Sarah is up there in Heaven on her very own cloud." Do you have a cloud? Or are you simply just 'there'? Have you felt any pain? Is it truly a happy place with no fears or worries or concerns?

There are so many questions that I will never know the answers, too. Perhaps that is the hardest part of writing this letter, the knowing that you can't reply to it.

I love you, Sarah. I love you and miss you so much. You will always be my baby and I will never, ever forget you. Okay? Like that song "I'm Already There" says, you're the whisper in the wind, you're the sunshine in my hair, the beat in my heart, and the moonlight shining down. We may be a thousand miles apart, but you're with me wherever I am.

I will think of you all time, sweetheart. All the time. I love you.

All my love, forever and always,

Mommy  
XOXO

"Sometimes love lasts a moment.  
Sometimes love lasts a lifetime.  
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime."


End file.
